


Clint Barton: Romance Connoisseur

by fakesheep-luna (octavaluna)



Category: Avengers Assemble (Cartoon), The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Clint Barton Needs a Hug, F/F, F/M, Humor, Kinky sex mentions, M/M, Sassy Steve, clint barton just wants a family, instead he gets weaponized hearing aids, mentions of a threesome, natasha being an old sailor, so much fluff you should grab a toothbrush, stony fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-13
Updated: 2015-01-13
Packaged: 2018-03-07 11:00:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,963
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3172094
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/octavaluna/pseuds/fakesheep-luna
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Captain America and Iron Man. Power couple of the decade, incredible saps, avengers, friends… friends. That’s their official version.</p><p>They are just friends with benefits, they keep saying they are just friends with benefits! Do they think Clint is stupid!? He knows how friends with benefits work and it’s NOT LIKE THAT!<br/>Why?? Why won't they admit that they are in a creepily romantic relationship instead of driving everyone nuts??</p><p>Seriously, if they don’t do so till the end of the year Clint is going to move to the forest and become a porcupine.<br/>Pinky swear.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Clint Barton: Romance Connoisseur

**Author's Note:**

> Fair warning: this is fluffy as hell and was inspired by the Avengers Assemble cartoon (from where I borrowed Steve and Tony's sappy relationship) and Fraction's Hawkeye.

It didn't began when Tony and Steve first started making eyes at each other, or outrageously flirt over the dinner table, or even make out on the loveseat during movie nights. No, it all began months later during a briefing at SHIELD HQ.  They just fought Doom (again!) and there wasn’t really much to debrief. From his perch on the shelf Clint could see Natasha attempting to sleep with her eyes open and pay attention at the same time, Sam fumbling with his phone, Thor flagrantly snoring, Bruce ogling Hill and even Fury looked bored, from time to time giving a nod to the nameless agent that was directing the debrief.

Steve and Tony were… well, that was nothing new so Clint wasn’t even going to pick on them, but then Tony unsuccessfully tried to suppress a giggle and elbowed Cap lightly.

“Stark, Rogers!” Fury barked, probably glad for the distraction “Are you  _passing notes_?”

“Mm… no.” Mumbled Steve at the same time that Tony said “Yes!” They grinned at each other, much to Fury’s irritation.

“I expected the lack of discipline from Stark, but you? Captain? You disappoint me, Isn't that a little bit juvenile for you?”

"Sorry, Sir." He flushed slightly but didn't look sorry at all. 

“Oh please!” Clint rolled his eyes. “You don’t even live with them! They are the most irritating couple I ever met.”

Steve and Tony shared a _look_.

“Emm… I think there’s been a misunderstanding...” Cap mumbled sheepishly.

“We are not a couple.” Stark finished for him.

 

What.  _What?_

*******

 

Weeks later Clint is returning from a days long solo mission and his only thoughts are about a shower and a peanut butter sandwich he is going to eat in front or the TV with some stupid sitcom marathon. The shower he gets, and the peanut butter, as for the TV… Midnight in Paris is playing on mute and Steve and Tony are sprawled all over the giant couch, not in their usual loveseat. Well, Steve is sprawled over the couch. Tony is sprawled over Steve and at first glance appears to be asleep, but his mouth is curved in a smile and twitches from time to time as Steve whispers lines from the movie’s script into his hair. In French.

Clint moans exasperated and flops into the lounge chair. “Geez, my teeth are gonna rot.”

“Stop eating junk then.” Cap shrugs and cuddles his charge closer, who just half opens his eyes and glares at Clint from his nest of supersoldier.

 _“Welcome home, Hawkeye! We missed you. Are you hurt? Were you successful? Of course you were, you are the best of us.”_  Clint rolls his eyes exasperatingly, imitating Steve’s ‘mother-hen voice’ “And they are not rotting because of the food, but because of you two! You. Are. Sickening. You are so saccharine you could power a cake-baking machine just staring at each other. The power of love put to good use and all that shit.”

Tony flips him the bird and Steve kisses the engineer’shairline “We are not in love” he mumbles.

“Your actions contradict your words!”

“Back off, Barton!” Tony snaps hoarsely “We are not in love, we are not dating, we are not a couple. We are fuckbuddies. Full stop.” 

“What happened to your voice?”

“Dick-swallowing.”

“Oh, For Odin’s Sake!!” Clint throws his hands up in the air and storms out of the room. He realizes immediately he forgot his sandwich but doesn’t go back to rescue it. Let it rot, he can make himself another and it’s not like he doesn't have a TV in his room.

 

Then why does it taste like defeat?

 

*******

  

It’s a little bit frustrating sometimes to be one of the less popular avengers. Specially when it’s your two most influential teammates who are always called to represent the team in official events and gather all the glory. Right now they are at the party after receiving a formal recognition from the British government for their crucial help in the terrorist attack on the Embassy last week, during the Prime Minister’s visit.

The whole team are the guests of honor, but it’s Captain America and Iron Man (whom at the moment is just Tony Stark clad in a business suit that probably costs more than all of Clint’s organs in the back market) who are their spokesmen and socializing experts. Team leader and his second in command, they charm the politicians, public and press alike. Steve’s usually fake ‘USO-Smile’ is much more genuine and enthusiastic today, and Tony carries himself like a man used to have the world eating from the palm of his hand.

During the gala they stick together; shake the Prime Minister’s hand and that of the guests, make small chat with both representatives from the British and the American governments, answer questions and make declarations... Steve says something looking in the direction of the former Secretary of State Clinton, and Tony drags him towards her. Clint watches with amusement as after a while as she grins and pats him on the cheek before turning away and Cap blushes. The archer is expecting the consequent teasing and poking under the ribs, which follows through, what he doesn't expect is for Steve to throw an arm over Tony's shoulders and lean in to whisper something in his ear that makes the billionaire bark out a laugh and touch the other man's temple to his own. It's a domestic scene, intimate even, and not very appropriate for the time, place and situation. But... it's not like someone's gonna lecture etiquette to Captain America and Iron Man! (Note: Pepper's not here.)

"They are not even trying to dissimulate." Clint comments to Natasha, who materializes by his side in an impeccable black dress and a Martini in hand. "They outdid themselves today. Did you see their speech? They were  _holding hands_  behind that altar table with the mics, and bickering at each other like every day over breakfast. I don't even know if that was on the cards or just them being their usual selves. Why isn't the gossip press pushing for a formal declaration?" 

Natasha shrugs "This has been going on for too long. And considering they never confirmed neither denied their involvement, always drifting sideways about the power of friendship and each other's values, the press and the public now just assumes they are together and are bored with the old news. However, unless you are thinking about leaving the superhero business and becoming a paparazzi, I don't understand why are you so invested in Tony and Steve's relationship. Or lack thereof."

"I'm not invested."

"Right, you are obsessed."

Clint sighs and watches the two dorks have a casual conversation with the Prime Minister. He can read on Steve's lips the words "green energies" and "moving forward" while Tony grabs his elbow and says very quickly something that makes the Prime Minister laugh and nod vigorously. 

"Bet you a hundred that by Tuesday the British Government is reworking their Energy Efficiency strategy. And I don't know, I just... It bugs me that they are so obviously in a relationship but are not able to see it. Either that or they are pulling our legs."

"You know how they are, Clint. Both are very intelligent and experts in their own areas but when it comes to interpersonal relationships a concrete wall is less dense." 

"So what? We call Kitty Pride, see if she can help _'undense_ ' them?" 

"Leave them alone, Clint. I know they are our friends and you wish them the best, but regardless of what they say they are happy the way they are and not hurting anybody, not even themselves. Therefore It's none of your business. I'm going to go talk to the Ambassador's daughter. She has legs I could eat sushi with. You try to have fun, ok? I know this is not your usual arena but make an effort for all of us." She places her martini in his hand and trails off discreetly pushing her cleavage higher. 

 

"Yeah." Clint mumbles, taking one sip. "I will."

 

*******

 

Steve has to grow a beard before an undercover mission, and for half a week Tony doesn't leave the tower and walks everywhere in a bathrobe claiming that 'he can't put pants on' with the smuggest expression a human being could ever master. 

 

Clint wishes he didn't know why. 

 

*******

 

_Te dicen cómo has de ser,_

_p_ _ero no hay que escuchar_

It's Steve's turn again on their improvised karaoke evening and he calls Tony with him on stage, entwining their fingers and sharing a mic.

 

_Seré la llama que a ti te guiará._

_El perro guardián de tu sueño final_

 

"Emmm... Isn't this from that Disney flick, Big Hero 6?" Clint asks Natasha 

"Yes. The Spanish version."

"Why are they...? Wait, how many languages do those two speak?"

"I think Steve speaks bits of every European language and a little of Japanese and Tony... a lot but not Latin, that one I know for sure."

"Well, my Spanish is quite rusty but I know something is not right with this version."

"It's..." Bruce waves his fingers from Nat's other side "too..."

"Sappy?"

"I was going to say overly happy, but yes, that works too."

"It suits them." Natasha smiles. 

 

" _Seré la arena que marca la hora en tu reloj._ " Tony sings more softly than the rest of the song and Steve kisses him breaking their tempo before almost whispering in his ear  _" _Juntos por la eternidad, se acabó la oscuridad.__ _"_

"I see now." Bruce smiles too. "It really suits them, but at the same time it's extremely positive and light."

"Like trying to make the best of a love that developed in sometimes less than favorable circumstances and make it about hope and support." 

"Do you think it's their song?" Sam resurfaces from his phone for a second and dives in again. 

"Why would they know the lyrics by heart then?" Bruce scratches his chin. 

"Hm. I hope you are right. This is a song about positive thinking and a bright future. Not the usual theme of our gang but if this were their song it would mean that they are using their relationship to heal each other. And after everything that happened to them, they earned at least that."

Clint makes a face "Blej! Since when are you two so cheesy? I would expect that from you, Bruce, we all know the Big Green likes 'Beauty and the Beast' but Nat??"

"What? Am I not allowed to be sentimental?" She arches her eyebrow at him in that way that means he should go on if he is in the mood for having his own balls for dinner.  

 

He is saved by Steve and Tony flopping into their seats looking for all the world like lovedrunk teenagers on weed. 

"So" Clint narrows his eyes at them "You are not in love?" 

"Nope" They both answer already positioning themselves for an epic make-out marathon that nobody wants to see. 

 

Clint grunts loudly and gets his ass off the couch' backrest for some goddamn Metallica. 

 

*******

 

Clint is fumbling with his pockets. Ok... keys, wallet, hearing aids, swizz knife, hardlight crossbow... what's he forgetting? Hum...

 

"Hey, birdbrain!" Tony calls from the kitchen throwing something at Clint. He catches  it and... 

"A condom?"

"You are going out with agent Arling, right?" Steve smiles encouragingly from the stove and Stark grins in that disturbing way of his.

"She looks like she knows what she wants and in what position, but better safe than at three am at the gas station."

"Thanks man." Clint pockets the condom. How could he forget?  _Wait..._

"Wait, you use condoms? I thought Steve couldn't catch or pass you anything."

"Sure" Tony shrugs and Cap's ears go slightly pink. "And I'm clean too, as hard as it might be to believe. But do you have any idea of how messy it gets when there's dude on dude action? In our bedroom it's no hardship, and we can shower together afterwards. But when we are outside it's better to keep our DNA scooped, if not getting cleaned sometimes can be a literal pain in the ass." 

"T _oo_ ony..." Steve waves a spatula at him as a warning.

"What? They could create another supersoldier just from what they can gather from SHIELD's broom closets!" 

"Stop!" Clint shrieks, pressing the heels of his hands to his ears. "I didn't need neither wanted no know any of this. Why?? Are you trying to kill all the boners I might have in the near future?" 

"Hey! It's just some basic Sex-Ed, be grateful you dick!"

"Rogers, control your boyfriend."

"He is not my boyfriend." Steve rolls his eyes and flips the veggies."

"I'm not his boyfriend."

"You just admitted to be exclusive and to share a bedroom."

"No, I admitted to be having sex just with him exclusively at the moment because there is not anyone else any of us are interested in for now. And as for the bedroom; sleeping together means morning sex. Why would anyone say No to morning sex?" 

"Why are you so difficult??"

"I'm not difficult, I'm complex. And why are you so pestering?"

"Boys..." Cap chastises them checking the shrimps in the oven.  _And what the hell is he making?_  "Aren't you gonna be late, Clint?"

"Oh Shit! Miranda is going to kill me!" 

 

He runs towards the elevator and thinks he can hear laughing. Those fuckers... 

 

*******

 

He stumbles home at three in the evening one day. His whole body aches, his pride is holding together with duct tape and he can't hear anything except the throbbing in his head. The elevator takes him to Tony's workshop but it's closed and he can't remember his pass-code so he bangs on the door. 

Steve's concerned face greets him as the supersoldier lets him in. Of course he would be there, he is always there. He is there even when Tony is not there. Seriously, those two are going to grow wings and become bats someday. 

If Cap says something to him Clint doesn't catch it, he marches directly to where Tony is sitting and slams the broken hearing aids on the table. 

"Fix them" he says, even though he is pretty sure they are unsalvageable. 

Stark doesn't bother with soundless words. He looks down at the scrap, then up to Clint's pathetic and hungover face, then he purses his lips and throws them in the garbage bin and walks away.  _Well, goodbye then old friends._

Clint looks  mournfully at where they fell down. Meanwhile Stark gets back holding a small box. Clint feels a hand circling his shoulder and leans into it, his dignity is already gone to shit today, so what the hell. Tony brings his hands to his ears and adjusts the new aids. 

"How is this?" He asks and Clint flinches at the sound. 

"Yeah, you are going to have to calibrate them." 

"No it's... it's... shit, thanks dude, they are fine it's just yesterday's booze acting up... it's been all a fuckroll and Miranda... Shit." 

 

Cap guides him to the couch and sits with him. A minute later Tony joins them with three cups and Dummy the creepy-hand-bot brings them JARVIS-approved coffee. 

"Do you want to talk about it?" Steve whispers and Clint fumbles with his new aids, lowering the sensibility. They are discreet but easily accessible and pretty intuitive, Tony must have made them himself. He is willing to bet they have a laser weapon setting or some shit. 

He shakes his head and sinks lower into the couch, his friends a comforting presence by his sides and the coffee a nectar from heaven. 

They watch Brave with dimmed lights while Tony works on his tablet and Steve rubs circles on Clint's shoulder. 

 

He wakes up nine hours later, in his room, with unnecessarily drawn binds and under two covers. His shoes and jacket are gone, so is his phone. And there is a glass of water, a carrot and a box of aspirin sitting on his bedside table near a note that says to go find them or call if he needs something. 

Clint smiles while he takes the pills and makes a beeline for the shower. 

 

_Just when did Tony and Steve turn into mom and dad?_

 

*******

 

Turns out his hearing aids  _do_  come with a laser weapon incorporated. 

 

*******

 

"Should't you go defend your territory?" Clint asks as he slides besides Steve on their table. This event is less pompous than the one they attended at the Embassy, just some big SHIELD boss's birthday, and Clint feels more in his element among fellow agents even though it's still upper class. 

"He is not my territory." Steve shrugs calmly, apparently unfazed by watching Tony flirt outrageously with a gorgeous brunette from two tables away. She is curvy and wearing a tight fitting silver dress that shows an insane amount of cleavage that she keeps showing off to Stark, who is all charm and smoothness, touching her lightly in all the appropriate but suggestive places. 

"Seriously, are you not even slightly jealous?" If it was Clint in his place he would be crawling up the walls. But Steve is as relaxed and good-spirited as one can be, even in Clint's attentive eyes. Which is slightly disturbing seeing how now Stark is leaning to whisper something into the woman's ear, bringing her closer with his hand on her waist. She giggles and nods lightly. 

Even Clint is outraged. How the hell can Cap be ok with this? He turns away from the couple to stare at his friend, who looks back and shrugs. 

"We keep telling you; stop imagining things."

"But... but..." He is about to protest again when Steve's face lights up in a broad smile and Clint turns back to see Tony and the woman approaching them.  _That bastard!_  But then...  Steve stands up and kisses her hand first and then her cheek. 

"Dr. Evelin, as beautiful and regal as ever."

"Steve, honey! It's been so long. You never come to visit me anymore."

"Oh, m'lady, excuse my behavior, I surely miss you poking me with your equipment."

She laughs half leaning on Tony's chest, who has a hand placed on her hip, and surveys Steve from under dark eyelashes framed by silvery glasses. 

"Hmm... gorgeous, if you miss my lab equipment so much, and in accordance to the offer Mr. Stark just so kindly made me, we could arrange something just for today." She extends her fingers and slides them over Steve's tie, slowly, almost reverently.

"And what would that arrangement be, Doctor?" He smiles softly, eyes never leaving hers. 

"Well, I have some equipment with me that I never got to test on you. It's a little bit too complex but I'm sure between two boys as clever as you are, you will be able to handle it just fine."

"Who could say no to such leap of faith. Lead the way, m'lady."

 

Clint watches in bewilderment as she slips both her arms around their waists and pushes them forward, laughing. Tony and Steve share an accomplice grin over her head and motherfucking fist bump with all the discretion of a pregnant elephant. She doesn't seem to mind one bit. 

 

Steve Rogers -  _Captain America_... agreeing to a  _threesome_...  _flirting_  his way into a threesome... Oh, in the name of holy Frigga what the hell is Stark doing?? 

 

"UR CORRUPTING CPT AMERICA!!" Clint Sends to Tony's phone. 

He receives a reply the next evening. A simple; "too late" and tries not to bang his hungover head against the wall. 

 

*******

 

They fight AIM. Iron Man makes a close call and saves the day but it's Tony Stark who ends up in a coma.

And it's Steve who lays down the mantle of Captain America and spends every moment of the day and night at his bedside, never leaving the room, standing guard over his injured lover like the most stubborn angel that there is. 

Pepper and the Avengers all take turns to keep him company but they come and go. Rhodey comes back from his deployment and stays with them after the fourth day, Dr. Evelin comes by to take some special tests and then again to show them to Steve shaking her head. She pets his head and assures him that everything will be alright. He nods but doesn't look any better. 

 

At the end of the eighth day Steve leaves. 

He just disappears without notice. For two days. 

When he finally comes back it's with Dr. Strange trailing behind.

 

The sorcerer barricades himself in Tony's room for hours and Steve, dirty and exhausted, holds into Pepper and Rhodey for dear life. Later, days later, when he is finally fresh, well rested and yelling at a sheepishly looking Tony for being a reckless idiot and assuring that another stunt like that and Steve will kill him with his own hands, Clint takes Rhodey out for tacos and beer. 

"So, do you know what's up with those two?" He asks after a while. 

"What do you mean?" Rhodey frowns at him. "I haven't been around much lately but It's pretty obvious, is it not?"

"Yeah, but they are not dating, they keep saying they are not dating but they are obviously more than just fuckbuddies."

"What?-"

 

*******

 

Clint never finds out about the time Rhodey is hanging out in Tony's workshop after the genius have recovered completely. 

His best friend is chunks deep in the War Machine suit and Rhodey is playing Clint's words in his mind, as well as everything he heard about and saw in the last few weeks. 

"He truly loves you." He finally says and Tony looks up confused. 

"Who?"

"Captain Rogers."

"Yeah, I know."

"No, Tones, you should have seen him when you were in the... wait? _You know?_ "

"Of course. He told me."

"When?"

Tony pushes his googles up and squirms his nose, surely looking for an exact date in his mind but failing. "A year ago, more or less."

"Seriously? And what did you say??"

"I said _'likewise'_. How do you think we got together in the first place?"

"So you ARE together?! Why have you been telling around that you are just fuckbuddies?"

Tony blinks at him and then lights up in a devilish grin. "Oh! You've been talking to Clint then? That one's gold!"

"What is gold?"

"The face he makes every time we say that we are not dating. He is such a sap! Jaja! You should have seen him the first time! Oh God, I wish I could have taken photos! Wait!  there were surveillance in that room, rightcha ? I wonder if it's still around, how did I not think about this before?!"

"You... you have been negating your relationship for months just to mess with Agent Barton? WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU??? And how did Captain Rogers even agree to that?"

"You know, you all still have this idea in your heads that he is some pretty and innocent wallflower. FYI; he is a pervert and a sass-master."

"Dude! Captain america!"

"Dude, my boyfriend!"

"Oh God..." Rhodey pinches the bridge of his nose inhaling deeply. He is NEVER taking a deployment so long again. Least Tony becomes a supervillain and burns  Manhattan.  "You know... he placed a bet with Agent Romanova that if he can't make you and Rogers admit your feelings for each other out loud until new year's eve he is moving into a forest to live as a porcupine for a month."

"Wha _aa_ t? Seriously?! Is he crazy?"

 

Rhodey nods in defeat. Yes, those people _are_ crazy. Each and every one of them. 

 

"Oh, this is going to be hilarious! Wait until I tell Stevie!"

**Author's Note:**

> Special note: I used the Spanish version of Inmortals, from BH6 in the karaoke scene because it suits the kind of positive relationship I wanted to give them in this story (remembering it's based off the cartoon). It's... it's just so fucking HAPPY. No offense to Fall Out Boy, but if you pay close attention to the lyrics the whole song is kinda depressing.  
> The girls from Sweet California though, managed to make the most rainbow-shiny happy flower-power version to ever hit the earth.  
> Here the translations for the bits I used:
> 
> (Te dicen cómo has de ser, pero no hay que escuchar) -> They tell you how you should be, but you don't have to listen.  
> (Seré la llama que a ti te guiará. El perro guardián de tu sueño final) -> I'll be the flame that guides you. The guardian dog of your ultimate dream.  
> (Seré la arena que marca la hora en tu reloj.) -> I'll be the sand that shows the hour on your clock.  
> (Juntos por la eternidad, se acabó la oscuridad.) -> Together for the eternity, the darkness is gone.
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
> [My Tumblr](http://fakesheep-luna.tumblr.com/)


End file.
